Diary
by cleopatra1111
Summary: Kyle reads Kenny's diary, but finds that he doesnt know the real Kenny at all. All he knows is the brave face Kenny puts on in the day.
1. Introduction

**[A/N] All updated. First story ever, everyone! Please, if you have any criticism, ****it is highly appreciated. I have written this story throughout the year, and my writing style at the beginning here is not the best quality, however, i assure you it get's better... hopefully. Anyway, i hope you enjoy!**

* * *

><p><strong>KYLE'S POV<strong>

Ugh, I hate Mondays. Most people know me as the one who studies hard and gets good grades, the nerd. But I hate school all the same. Well, I don't hate hanging out with the guys. I mean, obviously I don't hang out with Cartman by choice, he just tags along with us wherever we go. And Stan's great, he's my super best friend, and he knows me as if I'm his brother. But Kenny's the real reason I even bother to go to school.

It's been a while since I figured out that I was gay. I knew that I never really liked girls, but when I started having feelings for another guy? That kind of closes the deal. Anyway, it's Kenny who drew me in. Although, I'm still a little confused. He's the most gorgeous guy in school, and all the girls like him, and some other guys too, but he doesn't show interest in any of them.

Anyway, as I was saying, Mondays suck. That's why Stan and I created Monday movie night, to soften the blow of hard work. I was so looking forward to that.

"Hey Kyle" greeted Stan, appearing beside my locker. He was in of his rare cheerful moods, rather than a usual stoic mood not unlike that of Craig.

"Hiya. Movie night tonight?"

"You bet" he said as we walked to homeroom.

Through the door, I could see Kenny sitting in his usual seat by the window. I tried not to stare at him, but I could barely keep my gaze from his unkempt, golden hair, falling softly over his big blue eyes. He no longer wore an orange hooded coat, but rather a faded grey sweatshirt over ragged jeans.

"Hey Kenny" I said sitting in the seat next to his, like I did every day.

He turned around to look at me, smiling, almost sadly, as he greeted me back. My heart melted from his beautiful innocent face, but also because I hated seeing him sad, which was a lot recently.

"Hey Ken, do you want to come over to my house tonight for movie night?" I asked on a whim. Stan sent me a wary look, but I wasn't paying attention. It was all on Kenny's face as it lit up in delight.

"I'd love to come over" He smiled. A small, but real smile, and it made my day.

After homeroom, Stan caught me in the hallway.

"What the fuck Kyle? We have never had anyone else in Movie night."

"There's a first time for everything?"

"What the fuck has gotten into you? I feel like you're not my super best friend anymore"

My mood dropped in moments. I couldn't blame him; I really have been focusing a lot on Kenny, rather than Stan. I mean, I never stood him up on our 'nights' before, but I could see that I too was becoming distant.

"I'm sorry Stan, I didn't mean to make you feel that way. But still, as I said, there's a first time for everything, right? And anyway, Kenny is our best friend"

"OK. Sure" His tone was kind, but his smile was forced, and I could see he was just doing this for me.

"Thanks Stan"

* * *

><p>The three of us walked in the cold January evening to my house. None of us had said a word since we left school. I didn't like the silence.<p>

"So, what are we going to watch? Got anything planned Stan?"

"Well, I think since that last Paranormal activity came out in the rentals, we could make a horror marathon. I know you don't like horror Kyle, but I heard its really good. What do you think?"

"I guess it's alright… What about you Kenny? You down with the horror?"

"Yeah, I'm fine with anything you throw at me" At this point, I realized he didn't give a shit as to what he did with us. As long as he was hanging out with us, he wasn't at home like he usually was. Actually, Kenny got invited to tons of parties and hangouts; he just rarely went on them. I know for a fact that while everyone thinks that he's a man whore, he's not at all, even less than the rest of us. In fact, he hasn't gone to a party in over a year now. Everyone thinks that he doesn't care about anyone, that he's just a shallow fuck-machine. Everyone thinks he can't hold a steady relationship with anyone because he doesn't care about other people's emotions.

I know otherwise. I know that when I was sick, he skipped a whole day of school just to keep me company, when even Stan didn't. I know that he gave up tickets from Craig and his gang to go see his favourite band, just to stay at my house for my birthday. And I also know that when my grandma died, and I went outside so people wouldn't notice me cry, he followed me and held me in his arms, while I wept. I know that he's always there for me, and I go to him with all of my problems, not Stan. Because I know that Kenny won't judge me, and he'll genuinely try to help me. That's what he does. And that's only a little part of the Kenny I fell in love with.

After renting the movies and buying snacks, we all came back to my house. Suddenly, Stan dropped the massive bag of Lays.

"Shit! Oh God, this is bad. This is bad. Fuck" His eyes were huge with shock and worry. "I forgot about Wendy! She's going to fucking freak, I forgot about our date. Oh shit"

"Your date is on our Movie night," I asked with slight annoyance.

"Oh shit, I did NOT think this through"

"She's going to fucking murder you, man," Kenny added, with genuine pity splayed across his beautiful blue eyes.

"Wait, I'm only 20 minutes late, maybe I can still make it?" He looked at me pleadingly.

"Fine Stan, I know she means a lot to you" I stopped caring about this a long time ago. Apparently, Wendy was always more important than me, so I just let him go without a fight.

"Its fine dude. And anyway Kenny's here," I added. He smiled questioningly, as if he didn't know if that was good or bad. He looked embarrassed to be having Movie night with me instead of Stan. He knew that he WASN'T my second choice, ever. Didn't he know that? Stan gave a thankful smile to both of us and shot out of the house. I decided to remind Kenny anyway.

"You know that you're not just my second choice right?" Just as I said it, I realized that it sounded extremely egotistical.

"You're my best friend, the same as Stan" that didn't sound any better. Kenny's face was a mixture of confusion, but was also content. We left it at that.

After turning on the movie, I realized that I'd lied to myself. I couldn't watch this. Soon, I started to whimper pathetically, eventually shutting my eyes. I blocked out the noise. I couldn't bear this movie. I winced at the touch of a hand on my shoulder.

"Its ok, I'm here, none of this is real"

I looked up, straight into Kenny's face, and I saw that he had pulled me into a tight embrace. His face was only an inch away from mine. He looked like he was about to say something. A frown was stained on his gorgeous face. I couldn't bear the sight of it; it tore my heart to shreds. I wanted to kiss him so much, but instead I just whimpered. I wonder if it was healthy to want someone this badly. The screaming of the movie was putting me off. I looked around the room, and heard a tiny chuckle.

"There is nothing paranormal about your living room, dude. If you want, we can just turn off the movie. I've seen it in cinemas already anyway" He smiled down at me, and my stomach did a somersault. No wonder Stan always threw up when he saw Wendy. I felt like doing the same.

"Ok" I sounded pathetic. If it were anyone other than Kenny, I doubt they would have heard me. But Kenny did, he always hears me, he always understands when I'm scared, and he never makes fun of me.

"Hey, I think that shows on. What was it? The Big Bang Theory? You like that show, right. It's all clever and stuff, just like you" He took the remote and screen changed from blood, to a nice boring physicists living room.

"Thanks Kenny, you're such a great friend"

"Always here. Now, who is going to finish these chips?"

"Ugh, I can't eat after that movie. Leave it for Ike when he gets back from wherever he's at"

We sat in silence for the rest of the night. I was startled when Kenny suddenly spoke up.

"Uhh, Ky, its really dark outside, and the looneys have already started gathering outside. Do you mind driving me home." He obviously didn't want to have to ask for a lift, but he didn't really have a choice.

"No, I'm just going to make you walk home alone am I?" the sarcasm tingling on my lips. "Come on".

I rarely used my car. Since I didn't have a job to pay for gas and I didn't ask my parents for money, I just leave it in the garage most of the time.

I watched as Kenny tenderly opened the passenger side. What the fuck was I going to do about these feelings?

Although Kenny's house was pretty run-down, he himself had a job at some store, so at least he wasn't broke. Anyway as I was driving away, I snuck a peek at Kenny's window at the side of the house. He was leaning out of it. What on earth? He pulled one of the bricks out and pulled out something. Before I could see what it was, I had to avert my attention back to the stupid road. But I was going to come back.

I stuck to my word, as I crawled along the side of his house, in the deep hours of the night. Hopefully, Kenny would be asleep by now. I came to his window, and put my ear to the bottom. No sound, just the peaceful inhaling and exhaling of the sleeping person on the bed in the far corner. Tapping the bricks a soon found the hollow one that he had opened before. Slowly and silently I pulled it out. My flashlight shone inside, straight onto a small brown paper notebook.

**KENNY'S POV**

Mondays. It's the worst day of the week. After a weekend of peace, the morning came as a blow to me. I really hate going to school. The teachers say that I have so much potential each time I fail a test. That I just have to study harder. The truth is, I do know what I'm doing in class, but I don't and probably will never get the money to go to college, so what's the point of getting good grades. None of my 'so called' friends care about me anyway. Cartman doesn't care about anyone. Stan… was confusing. Its not that he didn't care, it was just that he was mostly just 'super best friends' with Kyle; he only hung with me because… I don't even know why he hangs out with me, pity? Responsibility? I don't know. Anyway, the only person I actually care about myself is Kyle. I wish he cared about me, but life is never perfect is it?

As I sat at my desk, I dreamed about the day when someone would actually love me.

"Hey Kenny" I turned, startled, to look Kyle right in his sweet, kind freckled face. I tried to smile, but I was too sad.

"Hey" I replied. See that's the real question. Why did Kyle hang out with me? Why did he even bother being nice to me at all? He was always way closer to Stan when we hung out, while Cartman was pulling pranks on innocent children, and me? I just kinda followed behind, I always felt like the third wheel.

"Hey Ken, do you want to come over to my house tonight for movie night?" He asked me suddenly. I could see the shock in Stan's face, but I didn't care. No one was ever invited to their movie nights. I wouldn't even care if I were the third wheel. If I could be close to Kyle, I'd do anything.

"I'd love to come over" This was the BEST Monday ever.

We all met up after to school to walk to Kyle's house together. The icy January air stung my nose, in the uncomfortable silence. I didn't really feel like I belonged in movie night, so I wasn't about to say anything, in case I sounded cocky. Kyle seemed to dislike the silence more.

"So, what are we going to watch? Got anything planned Stan?"

"Well, I think since that last Paranormal activity came out in the rentals, we could make a horror marathon. I know you don't like horror Kyle, but I heard its really good. What do you think?"

"I guess it's alright… What about you Kenny? You down with the horror?" I started when he said my name. Paranormal activity? Id seen all of them already, but no way was I going to tell them that and ruin movie night. Although, I didn't really want to lie either.

"Yeah, I'm fine with anything you throw at me" this was completely true, I would literally take anything in the face, just to hang out with Kyle. I would die over and over, (mostly because I know I'd come back) but really, I just wanted to be alone with Kyle. I didn't mind Stan, but Kyle's the glue that holds our group in place. Withought him it would just be… awkward.

Soon after renting the movies, we came back to Kyle's house. For some reason, I always felt a little safer here. Maybe because I come here more than anyone else's house. And his parents seem to like me, for some non-apparent reason. I don't know why anyone would like me really. I mean, I'm stark poor, I can't really offer anything to others, and I feel like I'm always intruding on Kyle's and Stan's hangout time. I'm not meant to be a part of their friendship. Yet, out of my own selfishness, I always come along anyway. I was taken out of my own mind rant when Stan suddenly dropped his massive bag of lays. His mouth was wide open with shock.

"Shit! Oh God, this is bad. This is bad. Fuck" His eyes were huge with worry. "I forgot about Wendy! She's going to fucking freak, I forgot about our date. Oh shit"

"Your date is on our Movie night," Kyle didn't seem angry, just slightly annoyed.

"Oh shit, I did NOT think this through"

"She's going to fucking murder you, man," I added, I felt really bad for Stan. This wasn't a good situation. Not only upsetting Wendy, but also Kyle.

"Wait, I'm only 20 minutes late, maybe I can still make it" He looked at Kyle pleadingly.

"Fine Stan, I know she means a lot to you" Kyle was one of the kindest people I had ever met. I knew this was hard for him. Recently, Stan had been going off with Wendy more and more. I mean, I know that that leaves him free to hang out with me, but I feel really guilty, like I'm stealing their Super Best Friend time.

"Its fine dude. And anyway Kenny's here," There it was again, that guilty, but selfishly happy feeling. Should I smile? I don't know. Stan shot out of the door, leaving me and Kyle alone on Movie night.

"You know that you're not just my second choice right?" He suddenly said. I bet he knew what I was thinking. I bet he was just saying that to make me feel better. Maybe even just to make the situation less awkward. Even though it was a kind gesture, I had trouble believing him.

"You're my best friend, the same as Stan" Although I knew this was true, there was a big difference between Stan and I. If Kyle had a choice of who to hang out with, it would most likely be Stan. I knew that I was also his best friend, but I was more the person he went to with problems, and that sort of shit. I didn't mind. Actually, I loved it when he came to me. I wanted Kyle to be happy so badly. I would do anything to solve his every problem. I just wished that he would see how much I care for him.

After turning on the movie, I remembered how much Kyle hates horror. It was Stan who'd suggested it in the first place, and he wasn't here anymore. And I'd already seen the movie. Kyle started shivering, and then he curled up on the sofa. I was losing my self-control. I pulled him close to me and hugged him tightly.

"Its ok, I'm here, none of this is real"

He looked up at me, straight at my eyes. Suddenly I couldn't hear the movie anymore. I wanted to tell him. How much I wanted him. How much I loved him. But I couldn't. It was so hard just to be around him, without being able to kiss him, and hold him safe. Instead I held his gaze in mine, until he finally tore away, and inspected the room. I laughed.

"There is nothing paranormal about your living room, dude. If you want, we can just turn off the movie. I've seen it in cinemas already anyway" I felt out of place. I felt like I was just making the situation worse.

"Ok" He was so quiet, but I heard him. What Kyle says is always important.

"Hey, I think that shows on. What was it? The Big Bang Theory? You like that show, right. It's all clever and stuff, just like you" I changed the film back to tv.

"Thanks Kenny, you're such a great friend" I treasured the moments when Kyle said things like that.

"Always here. Now, who is going to finish these chips?"

"Ugh, I can't eat after that movie. Leave it for Ike when he gets back from wherever he's at"

We sat in silence for the rest of the night. I realized that it had gotten really dark.

"Uhh, Ky, its really dark outside, and the looneys have already started gathering outside. Do you mind driving me home." I didn't want to walk home alone, and yet I still felt guilty for having to ask.

"No, I'm just going to make you walk home alone am I? Come on".

Kyle didn't use his car much, so I tried to be careful. Ha, I'm going crazy. Like I'm going to damage the car by opening the door. Wow, I felt like Tweek.

We arrived at my crappy house, and I finally said goodbye to Kyle for the night. It was so strange hanging out with him like that. I haven't been properly alone with him like that for a long time. I mean, he always talks with me about his problems, but then we always have things to talk about. Tonight was just really awkward.

Coming into my small room, my eyes went straight to the window. I opened it and leaned over to look at the bricks making up my house. I slid a loose one open and took out the small brown notebook. I opened it and began to write.


	2. Dreams

**KYLE'S POV**

I stared at the little brown notebook in my hands. No doubt, I could guess what was inside. Should I read it? I found I couldn't help myself by opening the first page. And then I read.

_February 20th 2010 _(this was just under a year ago)

_Well, hello? I found this notebook, quite clean just outside my house. I wonder if someone threw it away? Oh well, I might as well use it. Hey, I could use it as a diary… I can just imagine Cartman calling me a pussy. Oh well, you know, I think a diary could help me. I mean, I don't really have anyone else to talk to these days. Cartman wouldn't care; he would judge me and then laugh. I definitely can't talk to Stan… I mean, he's nice and all, but it would be way too awkward. Kyle? I can't talk to him, not about my problems… He doesn't need my problems as well as his on his fragile little shoulders. I wouldn't want to burden him. _

What? Since when does Kenny think that? He helps me with all of my problems! I come crying to him, and he doesn't complain, and he thinks he doesn't have the right to trust me with his? Now I was getting a bit angry with him.

_February 21st 2010_

_Dear Diary, it's the first day writing in you. Today was Monday, and we had a test on the first lesson. I didn't really try. I mean, I knew the material by heart, I just don't really care anymore… anyway, I don't ever hear anyone say, "Kenny, you should try harder, you could really get somewhere in your life someday if you try". It would be great if someone said that to me once in a while, but no-one really cares about poor old Kenny. No-one even know my fucking last name! Not Craig, or Clyde, Butters or Wendy or Bebe, not even fucking Stan know my last name. The only person in the whole class who knows is Kyle. Damn it, my life is a mess. I'm a poor excuse for a teenager. Who knows what 'luck' will bring tomorrow?_

I instantly forgot my anger. Wait… I'm sure someone else in the class knew Kenny's last name. Didn't they? And yes, I remember when we just started freshman year, Cartman stole Kenny's report card in the hopes of making fun of 'poor boys' bad grades. But all he found were straight A's. We were all so surprised. Kenny, the laid back boy who didn't give a fuck about his grades got straight A's? Well, I've always known that he was clever…. I read on.

_February 24th 2010_

_Dear Diary, The Tuesday was very similar to yesterday. Fucking tests, fucking Cartman making fucking poor jokes and everyone fucking else ignoring me. At lunch, us four snuck out and skipped the rest of school. Unfortunately, a car hit me… No nig news, except I didn't die this time. They got me to the hospital 'just in time'. Wow, little did they know that I would just come back. _

Huh? What did that mean?

_When I woke up, I found that the guys had gone home and just Kyle remained. It turns out that I was in a coma for about 2 straight days. Kyle had stayed with me through every moment. He had sat there and held my hand. He told me stories, and told me the news, and even though it was only for 2 days, it was still the kindest thing anyone has ever done for me. I think that I've started to fall for him, … hard. The thing is, I've known that for a while now, Kyle has been really sweet to me, and I have no idea why. For what reason would anyone BE NICE to Kenny McCormick? I don't know. The only thing I know is that I don't deserve him as a friend. I don't fucking deserve him in my life! He's way too good for me, he should be hanging around people who can do stuff for him. The only thing I want is for him to be happy and nothing else. _

At this point, my eyes were welling up. He likes me too? HE didn't deserve ME? The most amazing and kind person in the world thought that he was a failure? My heart was being ripped to shreds but I couldn't tear my eyes away. I read more entries focusing on the same main things.

_March 16th_

_Yesterday, Stan and Kyle had a fight. Kyle came to me for advice. I don't know why he would ask me for help, but nonetheless, I wish nothing more other than Kyle's happiness. Apparently Kyle is fed up with Stan ditching him all the time for Wendy. I don't understand, who wouldn't want to hang out with Kyle? He's so sweet and kind, and he's funny. He also the cutest guy I've ever met, his face is beautiful, freckly, and I love it. I love him and every part of him. Like, I love his gorgeous big green eyes, and I love the way he smells of aloe soap. And I love his little frown when he's doing a test. I just love all of him. I just wish he'd love me back… No! That's selfish. Why would I want someone to love me? Especially not Kyle, that's so unfair to him. I want him to love whoever he loves, and I want that person to love him back the way I do. And I want him to be happy. As much as I want to kiss him and hold him, I know I can't because that's unfair. I want Kyle's happiness more than I want to live. _

I couldn't believe what I was reading. This was so selfless it was almost insane. How could Kenny say things like this? Kenny was more important than me! This was just plain silly!

_Anyway, as I was saying, Stan was ditching Kyle. Kyle came to me, and I tried to help him. I didn't want to be that friend who thought of the simplest solution and said 'that's that', I wanted to actually help him. I have to at least try to make it up to him for all the years of kindness he's showed me. Anyway, he came crying; the poor thing, and I held him close to me. It was heaven, I wanted to stay there forever; I wanted Kyle just to let out all of his sorrow, and wash it away. I wanted him to realize that there was ALWAYS someone who would care for him and help him no matter what. Unfortunately, today he caught the flu, most likely because he was wet from all the tears, and was out in the cold afterwards. He had to stay at home all day. Stan couldn't swallow his pride to see his sick 'super best friend', so I had to go instead. I still don't understand why Stan finds Wendy more important than Kyle. I guess he's just a fucking moron… No! He's not. He's nice to me, and he wouldn't be Kyle's friend if he were a moron. I just wish… I just wish he would realize that Kyle would probably be the best thing that will happen to him. I don't know… I feel confused… so lost. So trapped. _

_March 22nd 2010_

_Dear Diary, today is my birthday, and I turned 17… I woke up to a lovely routine to my parents fighting downstairs. I slipped out of the house before they had the chance to abuse me like they have been doing for the past month. Sometimes, I ask myself, why would God put me into such a family? Well, he must have a good reason. The world has few good families, so I guess that it's fair that I get one of the worse ones. Anyway, it's been a while since anyone's properly remembered my birthday. Its ok, I wouldn't want people going to the trouble of celebrating it… Actually, Kyle took Stan and (Cartman came along) and they bought us all a dinner at the local pizza place, which I obviously cant afford. I knew Stan and Cartman didn't know it was my birthday, because Stan would've written a card like Kyle did, like he does for everyone else's birthdays. Cartman honestly thought it was just another pizza night, as he told me afterwards. Oh well, I'm happy that Kyle remembered, even though I know that it's selfish of me. It's too bad that I came home to drunk, fighting parents. I was caught in the middle of a thrown bottle and I got a cracked skull. I woke up a couple hours earlier in my bed, good as new, but with the pain etched in my memory, and here I am now. _

_May 25th_

_A couple of weeks ago Craig invited me to go to my favourite band's concert in Denver. He told me it was because I was popular, not because he liked me. I mean, I know he doesn't like me, but I was surprised to hear the first part. I knew that I used to party like ALL the time. I was young, and wild. Up until 15 I did it just for fun, the sex and drugs and all. But that was all before I fell in love with Kyle. Then I started to do it more. People called me a whore, the way that I'd fuck anyone, girl or boy. They'd say that I'd 'fuck them and leave them'. They said that I was shallow, and I didn't care for anyone. Actually, I remember when I was still close to Tammy. She told me she'd loved me, and I couldn't say the same for her. Why was I so stupid? Someone actually loved me for once. Kyle was way out of my league, and he always will be. He deserves someone way better than me, someone who's not stark poor, or a fucking failure. Someone that will make him happy. Anyway, I was officially named the 'whore' of South Park. By that time, I had started to go insane. I was so hurt. I felt more alone than I had ever felt. I think it was the time Kyle had come to ask me to help him figure out if he was gay or not. He… asked me to kiss him so he would know. I was happy to oblige to my selfish desires. But it was so hard. He had no idea that I was restraining myself badly. I wanted to kiss him until the ends of the earth. I wanted to keep him in my arms. Yet, fate had its own cruel path. Kyle only came to me because he knew that I was bi, and for no other reason. He said that he didn't want to tell Stan because they were SUPER BEST fucking FRIENDS. It was probably because he thought that I wouldn't get feelings for him, … which was FAR from the truth. I just keep falling for him. _

I remember that. I remember when I came to him that one night. But Kenny was wrong. I came to him, not because I wanted to see if I was gay. Actually, I lied to him, and I felt really bad afterwards but it was worth it. I knew that I was gay; I just wanted to confirm my feelings for a certain boy. I just… didn't know that Kenny liked me back. I had to restrain myself as much as he did in this entry. I didn't know… If only I had…

_Anyway, after that little 'experience', it hurt to be away from him. Full on PAIN. I tried to get rid of it. I started heavily drinking, because people told me it 'smoothed out the edges'. I started to have more sex with more people, because people said that you lost yourself in it. I started to take drugs, because people fucking told me, that it would fucking take me somewhere, where there IS NO FUCKING PAIN. But as much as I drank, took drugs or had sex, the pain stayed with me. When I drank, I forgot everything, except Kyle's beautiful face frowning at me, disappointed with me. When I was in someone's bedroom, I definitely wasn't thinking about the other whore that had decided to sleep with me in the moment. When I took drugs, they just took me to a world where Kyle was there, with me. That was nice, I admit. But I always had to come out of that world, which just made me more depressed. I think at some point, people got fed up with me and they made me go to a psychiatrist. She told me I was clinically depressed. Maybe that's why people didn't like me, because I brought them down?_

What? Kenny was clinically depressed? Why didn't he tell us? Oh poor Kenny, he's so brave. He's had to put up with all of us and Cartman's stupid jokes, and he still thinks that it's HIS fault? And I've always know Kenny wasn't a whore, I just didn't know why…

_I'm getting away from the point. So Craig offered me tickets. I knew even at the time that I couldn't accept them, since they were for tomorrow, which is Kyle's birthday. But I took them anyway. I've been thinking about today for ages. I wanted to get Kyle something really special. I spent half a year working at Harbucks so I could drive down to Denver, and buy him a signed copy of this book that he's wanted, which is only sold there. I really hope that he likes it. It's only worth it if he does… I want him to be happy…_

How many fucking times has he said that already? This diary was getting ridiculous. Even so, I couldn't stop the tears from spilling down my cheeks.

_May 26th_

_Today was the day. I gave him the book. He told me that he was really happy, and grateful that I drove all the way down to Denver. I was way too happy at the time to even think that he may have lied to me… Wait, how am I saying this? Kyle wouldn't lie. How can I not trust Kyle? On the other hand, how can anyone say that they were grateful to me? Ugh, this is confusing; this is fucking tearing me apart. I'm really angry, and frustrated, but I'm also sad, and in so much pain. But in some rare guilty moments, I'm happy, around Kyle…_

_I don't think I'll write in my diary for a while, I need to sort myself out. _

_September 19th 2010_

_Two weeks ago, we all started our second to last year here at South Park High. Yesterday also happened to be the day Kyle's grandmother dies. I felt SO sad for him; it's always really hard to lose a family member. I knew he wanted to cry, but living life as a teenager makes it hard. So he snuck out. I so wanted to help him, and Stan wasn't showing any signs of going. So I snuck out after him, found him crying outside. I hated seeing him cry, it was more painful than being away from him, so I solved both problems. He cried into my chest for another good hour. Afterwards, we sat outside looking at the sports field, talking and laughing. It was so great. I walked him home. Before he went into his house, he gave me another hug; it was like a little slice of heaven. _

_September 20th 2010_

_I hate myself. Because of me, Kyle got hurt. After third period, Stan came up to Kyle in the hallway, while I hid behind some lockers. He blamed Kyle not spending enough time with him. He said he was spending too much time with me, and when they did hang out, he always talked about me. I was so shocked. First of all, we've only spent like a couple of the days alone, in like the past YEAR. And secondly, he talked about me? I don't like this paranoia; it's eating away at me. I feel sorry for Tweek. Anyway, Kyle didn't deny any f it, he stood up for himself. That's one of the things that I love about him. Even though he's a small, cute little angel, his words are compelling, they all mean so much. Oh God, I'm falling for him so fucking hard. Unfortunately, Stan didn't think the same of his words that I did. He felt the need to punch the cutest guy, hard enough for a black eye, but not hard enough for anyone to care or even notice. Except me, I will always care about what happens to Kyle. _

As I read this last entry, I was speechless. This was only half of Kenny's diary, and it was nothing like I'd expected. I was done crying. But my in my heart was a deep, blunt ache, which I carried all the way back to my house, into my bed, and with me in my disturbed dreams.

**KENNY'S POV**

As I closed my Notebook and placed it into its dark hole, I nodded off into a troubled sleep. I woke up… in my bed? This was confusing. My clock said that I was ten minutes late for the bus. No! I would miss my morning with the guys! I hurried downstairs, not bothering to eat, and ran all the way to school, but I didn't feel the ground…? I had forgotten to put on my sweatshirt, and the wind was freezing against my T-shirt. As I entered the classroom, I could see the four guys in the back, so I headed in that direction. I saw Craig and Tweek.

"Hey guys"

Craig sprang at me "Fuck you, and get away from my boyfriend! You don't have the right to hang out with us" This wasn't unusual for Craig in a bad mood, but that usually didn't happen especially with Tweek by his side. Also, I've been 'friends' with him for ages, he knew I wasn't interested in Tweek.

"GAH! Get –ngh- aw-way from me! I don't –ngh- feel s-safe around you. Jesus!" Wow, Tweek was acting strange too. Or was it I? Maybe the class had realized how much of a loser I was. I bumped into Butters. He was nice to everyone, maybe he could cheer me up?

"Hey Butters…?"

"Hey… Who are you?"

"Its me, Kenny" I couldn't hide the hurt in my voice, "You don't remember me? Why?"

"Well gosh, I don't know. I guess I only remember significant people, or people that actually matter. I guess you're just not important"

Was that true? Had people forgotten me because I was insignificant and boring? I saw Stan. I didn't say anything, but he started at me.

"Ugh it's you again. I'm sorry Kenny, but I think that you shouldn't hang out with us anymore. Actually, you know what? I'm not sorry, it's YOU who should be sorry. It's YOU that's always tagging along with Kyle and me. I want to hang out with my best friend, but instead, I have to deal with you as well. None of us like you. No one in SCHOOL likes you. I bet even your family hates you. I KNOW that Kyle hates you the most."

"I-I'm… I'm sorry" was all I could say.

Kyle was nodding in agreement.

"Stan's right Kenny. We don't like you hanging around us. We hate you. I hate you the most. You're so selfish, I mean, how could you even think that I would care about you, when you want so much. You want my friendship without giving me anything in return. I don't know why I waste my time talking to you. Tell me Kenny, why do I even talk to you? Tell me! Why do I even bother being nice to you?"

"I'm sorry! I'm so sorry, I'm sorry… I'm…I'm just… sorry… sorry… sorry" I curled up and started to sob into my own chest. I felt like such a pussy, but I couldn't help it. I felt so alone…

People had started to gather around. They were yelling at me, things like "Fag!" or "Twat!" and all sorts of things. Suddenly I saw my family through the doorway. My dad looked angry. He started throwing empty beer bottles at me.

"Kenny, you son of a bitch, you're no son of mine. You're a mistake! You think we wanted you? Who would want you as a son? I wish you would just go die in a hole, and make our lives easier!"

I wish I could! I wish I could just go die in a hole. But I can't! I would just fucking come back, and make everyone's lives worse! I'm a failure, a mistake…

I sat there, in the middle of the classroom, bloody from the shards of glass, curled up in a ball, and sobbing my stupid eyes out. I wanted to stop, but I couldn't. I was too trapped by everyone. I couldn't leave. I was too lost, because I knew what they were all saying was true. I couldn't do anything. I was so alone. All I could do was sit there and cry. Cry. And cry….

"I'm sorry Kyle, I'm sorry!" I shouted to the boy standing in front of me, the boy who was yelling at me the loudest out of the whole room. The only one I cared about. I wanted him to know how sorry I was, but the message wasn't getting through.

"I'm so sorry…" I whispered to myself.

I looked up at… my room? Oh right, it was Tuesday…


	3. Test Day

**[A/N] IMPORTANT NOTE.**  
><strong>In Kenny's dream, Craig and Tweek are together, but they are NOT in real life. Kenny just thinks that they are.<strong>  
><strong>I know that it doesnt really make sense, but I had to make changes to the storyline, and it didnt work with what I had written in my previous chapters, <strong>  
><strong>I hope my crappy attempt at solutions entertains you<strong>

* * *

><p><strong>KYLE'S POV<strong>

Oh God. Sitting up in my bed, I remembered. Last night was painful. And I can't unread it now. Actually, do I want to be able to? I don't know. All I knew was that my head was throbbing with a headache.

I finished preparing for school, and trudged through the snow to the bus stop. I saw Stan, Cartman and Kenny. Shit, what was I going to do? Thoughts were swirling in my mind as I joined the three boys.

"… I know. Isn't it coeeel?" Cartman was holding some sort of new phone.

"Ha! I bet Kinny cant even afford a version 1!" He grinned. Next to him Stan laughed. Kenny's sweatshirt hood was up, but I could just feel his shame.

"That's weak Cartman, bringing others down to make yourself feel good. That wasn't funny" I glared at Stan, then glance at Kenny. He looked up at me, and quietly said,

"It's fine, I'm used to it. Don't waste your time" my heart wrenched as I remembered how much he's had to deal with this in the past.

"No, it's not ok. You know why?" I raised my voice so the others would hear.

"It's never ok to pick on someone. It's bad that you're used to it. It wasn't too bad back in 3rd grade, because we didn't know. But now, we're in senior year!" Stan looked down in shame. Cartman snorted and complained to Stan.

Then, I lowered my voice again, almost to a whisper, "It's not fair to you Kenny, why should you be the one who gets picked on?"

I don't know if he'd heard me. I looked up at boy. He was about half a head taller than me, only one or two inches taller than Stan, skinny as fucking hell. He was gazing down at me, with two big blue eyes, which were half hidden by dirty blonde locks. And those eyes looked straight into me, shining with tears, but not sad. Grateful.

Then, the bus had chosen this moment to pull up, and the others climbed up. Before I could protest, Kenny had pulled me into a tight embrace, and whispered,

"I'm sorry"

What the fuck? Ok… that wasn't what I was expecting.

* * *

><p>Tuesday mornings, boring as Monday mornings. Except we all hated this Tuesday because today and tomorrow was test day, when all of our academic subjects were crammed into two straight days. Oh joy!<p>

Anyway, I decided that I would take some action from what I had read yesterday.

Going over to sit in between Kenny and Stan like I always do, Stan immediately jumped into conversation.

"So was movie night ok yesterday?"

Kenny looked away.

"Yeah, fine"

What was the use telling him about my pathetic phobias? He would just feel worse for leaving me. I didn't mind, it meant I got to spend time with Kenny. Stan stood up and continued to chatter his way through the class, like the popular 'nice guy' that he is. But I couldn't help remembering what Kenny had written about. When Stan gave me a black eye. Stan had apologized later and we had agreed to forget about it, but it was really starting to bug me. What right did he have to control my social life? And why did he not like me spending (what little time I had away from Stan) with Kenny? This was ridiculous.

"So Kenny. Have you studied for the Geography test, it's really important? I heard that it's really long and really hard"

"Are you still talking about the test, or my dick?" Sometimes, the old Kenny shone through his sadness. Although it was sick and perverted, I still loved it.

"Kenny, sick dude!"

"Sorry, I just couldn't resist the opportunity to stick it in" He grinned at me maliciously and I laughed, losing myself in a moment of bliss.

"Ok ok, but have you honestly studied?"

"What's the point? I could do well if I wanted to, I just don't really care anymore. It's not like I can afford college"

"That's not true. You could take a loan from the bank, and when you become successful and rich you could pay it off easily"

"Yeah, that's going to happen" He rolled his eyes.

"AND there's always scholarships, you could get all of them, you're great at everything"

"Really, Kyle?" strong sarcasm stinging his buttery voice.

"Kenny, there's always point in getting good grades, you can never predict the future. And anyway, YOU should especially try, because you are one of the few who can get good grades easily. Come on, man, we all know that you're one of the smartest in our class. Also, you can get spare money from tutoring. That's what I do"

"You know what? Sure, I'll give it a go…" His voice was unsure, yet tingling with excitement. Then suddenly he frowned. Plastering a fake smile, he said to me,

"Thank you" then fading into a whisper, "I'm sorry Kyle"

After that, all I remember was staring blankly ahead to the blackboard, absolutely speechless. Twice? What the fuck was I supposed to say to that? As the test was placed in front of me, I barely noticed. I just… my heartbeat was just throbbing in my head. Was it supposed to be there? I don't know. I forced myself back to at least partial reality, back to focus on the damn test. But of course, it wasn't the test that I was worried about.

* * *

><p>Picking myself out of my chair, I almost stumbled, much to the amusement of Cartman. Something wasn't right, I felt… woozy. I'd have to worry about that later. The geography test was done; but still I had yet to complete the next six that awaited me. The four of us exited the classroom.<p>

Stan piped in, "So Kyle, can you help me with history? Its tomorrow, I'm failing miserably, and if I do, then I can't graduate!"

"Sure" Hmm… he looked a bit red in the face. "Any other subjects you want help with?" His face reddened further.

"Umm, maybe maths, and biology. Ooh! And chemistry! Can we just meet up after school in the library today?"

"Today? But I have to watch Ike… Hey, why don't you ask Kenny to help you?"

Stan looked uneasy, but since Kenny was right beside us at the moment, it would have been rude of him not to ask. Stan was _never _rude. I held back a snort.

"Ken…do you mind helping me?"

"No, sure I'll help…if you want?"

I knew this was going on a whim, but I couldn't help it. Stan's face was a mixture of awkwardness, and forced gratefulness.

"Thanks, after school in the library?"

Kenny nodded slowly and skipped away to talk to Butters.

"What the hell did you do that for? Now I HAVE to study with Kenny!"

"Well I can't help you, and I thought of the next best person that could"

"Kyle, you are so thick-headed sometimes"

"What! I'm thick headed? Why can't you look past Kenny's reputation, and just accept help from him? Honestly, he's really smart, he can help you"

"Oh no. Reputation doesn't matter. Do you not see? Jesus Christ!"

"What? Why do you NOT like Kenny so damn much?"

"Why do YOU like him so damn much?"

"I like him, because he's kind-hearted, appreciative, funny, I like hanging out with him. The list goes on if you want me to continue"

By now we were both screaming and causing quite a scene in the hallway. Kenny, along with the rest of the hallway, had turned to stare at me. Did I just say all those things? Out loud? In the hallway in front of everyone? Oh God. Stan dragged me outside, where only the Goths stood smoking.

"Kyle, can you not fucking see? Kenny likes you. He fucking LIKES YOU!"

"I KNOW!"

We both went silent. I did NOT fucking mean to say that. Even that would get through Stan's thick head. If I knew that Kenny liked me, and wasn't doing anything about it…

Stan's expression was bluntly stale, and then slowly turned into a sour frown. He almost whispered,

"What? You knew?"

I found that my throat was raw after yelling, and my voice cam out as a whisper also.

"Yes Stan, I know that Kenny likes me"

"And…and you didn't…do anything about it?"

"No, I didn't do anything about it"

"Don't you mind?"

"…"

"Well. It just…really bothers me that he likes you and you don't mind. Ok?"

"Stan, that's not ok. Why should it bother you? Are you…no, it's fine. Look, we're ten minutes late! Let's go!"

This was my way of ending an awkward moment, and I dragged Stan inside to go to the next test.

* * *

><p>As I was finishing off my last test of the day, I reminisced about the day. When Stan and I came into the classroom after our argument, Kenny had been sitting right at the back. But, when I went to join him, he wouldn't look at me. He would barely say anything to me, and it had been like that for most of the day. What the fuck was wrong? Did he hate me for saying that? Did he now think that I was some kind of freak? Wow, I'm overwhelming myself, I need to get a grip on things. I tried to force myself to focus on homework and studying, I tried to make myself believe that it was all fine, and that Kenny didn't hate me, but it was no use. I couldn't help but hate myself for the scene that I'd made. Was this how Kenny felt? And why is he apologizing to me? What has he done wrong? Nothing.<p>

This was all so confusing. The last thing I needed now was conversation, so as soon as the bell rang, I ran as fast as I could out of the classroom, and headed to home. At least there, I can coop myself up and be alone. At the front door, I put the key in, but my knees buckled. For a second, I needed to hold the doorknob intensely to keep myself up but I soon regained my strength. Wow, was I feeling tired today. I figured tonight would be a good night to get some much-needed sleep, although I realized later that this would not be the case.

As I sat in my room, homework finished and reading a book, what I didn't notice was a shadowy face, gazing inside, at the room from outside the window.

**KENNY'S POV**

After checking the little brown notebook was safe in its little cache in the wall, I headed off to school. No one knew this about me, but I hated to be late. This was why, when I arrived at the bus-stop, there no students there before me. I took my usual place next to the sign. Soon after that, Cartman and Stan arrived. Cartman instantly pulled out a new device and started boasting about it like he usually does.

"Look guys, it's the I phone 4! Isn't it coeeel? Ha! I bet Kinny can't even afford a version 1!"

Unfortunately, this was just a simple fact.

Actually, Kyle arrived quite late for his usual punctuality. I could see dark bags under his eyes. Apparently, he did not sleep well. Wait. He saw my house yesterday; maybe he didn't sleep because he was worrying about me! No, don't be ridiculous, Kyle has much better things to worry about than me, and he knows that. I looked at the ground in embarrassment.

"That's weak Cartman, bringing others down to make yourself feel good. That wasn't funny" I heard a strong, but still almost high-pitched, voice. That's the voice I've come to love. I try not to, but I simply can't help myself.

"It's fine, I'm used to it. Don't waste your time" He almost looked hurt when I said this. I almost regretted saying it, but then again, it was just a simple fact. Kyle is a nice and caring guy, and he sticks up for a person, that's just what he does. I just don't understand why…

"No, it's not ok. You know why?" He piped up suddenly, and my theory was reignited.

"It's never ok to pick on someone. It's bad that you're used to it. It wasn't too bad back in 3rd grade, because we didn't know. But now, we're in senior year!" Stan looked down in shame. Cartman snorted and complained to Stan. Kyle stared at me with determined eyes.

"It's not fair to you Kenny, why should you be the one who gets picked on?"

Not fair? Not fucking fair? If only he knew how it really was. I bet all the others are laughing at this right now mentally. Why should I get picked on? I'm the worthless, useless failure. The one who drags other people down with him? The one who fell in love with Stan's best friend? That's why I get picked on. I just wish I didn't have to get Kyle involved. I hate to see him in arguments, especially about me. I just wish that he would know that I don't want that for him. I just wish that he would know how sorry I am for ruining his life.

My self-restraint slipped and I pulled him close to me, his small frame was warm compared to mine. I could hear his heartbeat. Just for that one second, before I let him know.

"I'm sorry"

* * *

><p>I sat down in my usual spot next to the window, and prepared for a test spent daydreaming. Kyle sat down next to me where he usually sat. I knew that he would ace his test. I just felt bad that his parents made him study so hard when he was already clever enough.<p>

Stan came and joined us, like the neutral one that he is, always trying to 'avoid' conflict. Yeah right.

"So was movie night ok yesterday?"

"Yeah, fine" How could Stan do that? Abandon his best friend? He should be grateful that he has such a great best friend like Kyle. I would do anything to have a 'super best friend'. How could Stan not see that he was hurting him? This was all too much for me. Sometimes, I wish that Stan didn't exist, but then I feel really guilty for thinking that.

Finally, Stan got bored of the conversation and went off to talk to everyone else in the class.

"So Kenny. Have you studied for the Geography test, it's really important? I heard that it's really long and really hard"

"Are you talking about the test, or my dick?" Those jokes never got old.

"Kenny, sick dude!"

"Sorry, I just couldn't resist the opportunity to stick it in" He laughed his high tickly laugh, and my heart sped up just a little bit.

"Ok ok, but have you honestly studied?"

"What's the point? I could do well if I wanted to, I just don't really care anymore. It's not like I can afford college" Just another simple fact. What's the point? If I can't afford college, and no one even believes that I can make it somehow, then what's the point?

"That's not true. You could take a loan from the bank, and when you become successful and rich you could pay it off easily"

"Yeah, that's going to happen" I don't even have a bank account.

"AND there's always scholarships, you could get all of them, you're great at everything"

"Really, Kyle?" I honestly doubted that that would ever happen.

"Kenny, there's always point in getting good grades, you can never predict the future. And anyway, YOU should especially try, because you are one of the few who can get good grades easily. Come on, man, we all know that you're one of the smartest in our class. Also, you can get spare money from tutoring. That's what I do"

I thought about it, that wasn't actually a bad idea. I mean, even if I was the only one who strived for it, then what the hell. I mean, I guess its better to have choices, right? And actually, there was at least one person who believed in me.

"You know what? Sure, I'll give it a go…"

Wait, why was Kyle suddenly so interested in my personal goals? This didn't make sense at all? Maybe he didn't understand? This is too difficult, too much pressure! Great, now I'm quoting Tweek, that isn't a good sign.

"Thank you" He had to know, "I'm sorry Kyle"

And the test landed on my desk. Whatever happened next, I was going to ace this test.

* * *

><p>Stan joined us as we exited the classroom.<p>

"So Kyle, can you help me with history? Its tomorrow, I'm failing miserably, and if I do, then I can't graduate!"

"Sure" Stan's face was blushing profusely. "Any other subjects you want help with?" His face reddened further.

"Umm, maybe maths, and biology. Ooh! And chemistry! Can we just meet up after school in the library today?"

"Today? But I have to watch Ike… Hey, why don't you ask Kenny to help you?"

I was standing right there, so if Stan refused, it would have been 'unacceptable' to him. I was a bit uncomfortable, but I could see that I was the last person Stan wanted to take advice from. I could tell that after school would be the most awkward thing I would ever do.

"Ken…do you mind helping me?"

"No, sure I'll help…if you want?"

"Thanks, after school in the library?"

I nodded and fled the scene. How much more awkward could that have gotten? I escaped by joining Butters' conversation with Tweek.

"Um, Tweek, if that's how you feel then you shouldn't bottle it up. Oh hey Kenny, how are you there?"

"GAH! Oh, ngh-hey Kenny"

"Butters, you remember me?"

"Sure Kenny, why wouldn't I remember you? Why, gee, you've been in my class since Kindergarten"

"GAH! Wow, Kenny, ngh, you're weird sometimes"

Tweek laughed. That's a relief, Tweek only ever laughs if he feels safe. That's good. Wow, that dream is really getting to me. But I still have this nagging feeling that there's some truth behind it. Suddenly, the other two boys stopped conversing to look behind me. Apparently, Stan and Kyle had gotten into a fight. No doubt about me again. Anyway, they were literally screaming at the whole corridor, Stan was almost spitting into Kyle's delicate porcelain face.

"Why do YOU like him so damn much?"

"I like him, because he's kind-hearted, appreciative, funny, I like hanging out with him. The list goes on if you want me to continue"

Wait, was this really about me? I found that very hard to believe, but whom else could he be talking about? Maybe there was someone else? I watched as Stan grabbed Kyle's wrist (quite harshly and unnecessarily I thought) and dragged him outside. I had half a mind to follow him, but then I decided that it was unfair to purposefully eavesdrop on someone you care about. Instead, I headed off to my next class.

* * *

><p>What Kyle had said earlier, that had really done something to my brain. I couldn't think. I couldn't breathe. So when he came back into the room, his silky face raw red with the cold, I could do nothing but avoid looking. When I finished my last test, I sneaked a glimpse at him, but his expression was sombre and downcast, and I couldn't really analyse it. As the bell rung, Kyle sprinted out of the room, slapping the test onto Mr Garrison's desk, and disappearing from sight. Poor Kyle, since this whole mess of my life started, it has been nothing but trouble for him. All because of me. With this thought in my head, Stan and I went off to study. We both silently headed off to the library, and I saw a dark hooded figure slink off towards Kyle's house.<p>

"Hey Kenny, no hard feelings about earlier right?"

"No, of course not. Still buds, man."

His eyes flittered to the snowy ground beneath our feet as we walked.

"Are you ok? Anything you want to talk about?"

It wasn't as if I helped everyone with their problems, but for the sake of the study session remaining tolerable, I tried to be friendly."

"Well, I broke up with Wendy."

"YOU, broke up with HER? That doesn't usually happen. What's wrong?"

"I, ugh, I wanted to ask….someone else."

"Oh, so you've finally realized that you need a break from Wendy, huh? Who's the lucky gal then?"

"Um, about that. Never mind. Hey! We're here, and boy do I need to get through a lot. Thank god that you're helping me, Ken. I need it."

* * *

><p><strong>Reviews<strong>

**Scarlet Wolf** (I know you're not logged in but just in case)**:** Actually, i have to admit, its actually a geo-cache hiding spot :) Also, I'm a bit confused by your comment because i dont know what gender you are, sorry :) But im sure that you're not pathetic xxx

**kyla k:** I know that you're comment was short, but it still means something to me xxx thank you!

**Alex0821:** Thank you! I write Kenny in the exact mirror of myself (a little more depressed) but yes, im in love with my best friend, im A LITTLE depressed, extremely paranoid and i have trouble talking about anything to anyone. :)

**Bramblestarofsunclan:** I appreciate that you like the story despite lacking interest for the pairings. I really appreciate it. NO REALLY I DO. (HERE'S COOKIE)

**Kxte McCormick Lawliet:** Very short comment is short. But still appreciated that you commented instead of just adding to story alert or something xxx

**justanotherwriterchick:** Thanks for doubting me (no sarcasm intended) it means a lot that people can critisize, if you have any more tips, feel free to tell me :P

**XMistressChaosX:** It is sad. It is the story of my life (just kidding :x) but yes, apprantly i have the ability to make any story incredibly sad, even if its about rainbows...In soviet russia, ranbows ARE gay :)

**ThisIsRandomMe:** Another short comment, but thanks for taking the time. Hope that you enjoyed the new chapter!

**Th3 Twi1ight 5tar:** please please please please please please please please leave comments very soo (n)! please...

**Syao987:** It is depressing, thank you :3 my special ability XD i hope that you enjoy the depressingness :D I sure will xxx


	4. A trip into existance

**KYLE'S POV**

_Tap Tap Tap_

The tapping had not stopped since I started my homework. I vaguely wondered where it might be coming from, but then decided it was best to ignore it. When I was little, I used to think that all sorts of monsters wanted to get in to my room, but the irrational childish fear soon escaped me, as I realized that it was usually just the trees rustling in the wind.

My essay was sitting half-completed in front of me, yet I still couldn't concentrate. I knew that it was stupid of me, but I had to go and see just to put my mind at ease. What I was not expecting was a dark face staring at me with cold eyes.

Yanking open the window, I silently thanked myself for the few moments of paranoia.

"Craig, what the hell are you doing? How long have you been out there? You could have caught the flu!"

It amazed me that Craig could have sat outside my window for a long time, restraining himself to soft taps without any sort of frustration.

"I don't know, I was tired or something."

No sign or trace of emotion was showing on his face.

"Craig, why are you here?"

"I, ugh, need to talk."

Not untrue I can say. It wasn't that I was an incredibly kind person, or anything; it was just that everyone else were assholes. Especially when it came to personal problems.

This is why a lot of people from my class usually came to me in times of need. I suddenly remembered my regular trips across the railroad tracks and my heart thumped loudly.

"Sure, anything specific or what?"

"Yeah, um, I do have a problem, actually. Well, there's this girl that I like, but I can't help but act all cold around her, just because that's how I usually act around my friends. But I think she may hate me now."

"Tweek's not a girl, Craig."

He blushed and averted his eyes to the floor, but really he knew. There was no hiding any sort of information from me. There was no point for Craig to pretend. Still, his old childhood habit remained, and he raised his middle finger at me, same old Craig.

"Sorry, habit, can't help it."

"No worries there. But are you ok? Why do you act so cold and bitter all the time. I know that you have feelings Craig, so why not show them? You used to be so happy back when we were young. I remember in kindergarten you used to laugh and smile."

"That was back then. This is now. What happened in between doesn't matter."

"I think it does, because if you tell me, it might help you."

He looked at me with tired, dark blue eyes. His mouth was curved down slightly, in a sad frown. A single tear rolled down his cheek.

"It doesn't matter."

"Yes it does, Craig!"

"Kyle, just stop, ok!"

And then, he shouted at me. It was the first sign of emotion that I had seen in over a good couple of months. Suddenly, the floodgates opened, and he was in my arms. The tears were streaming onto the floor, yet he was silent, just shaking as he sobbed.

When he finally stopped, he didn't take his eyes off his feet. Well, I guess no one wants to be seen after they've let their hearts worth of tears out. Especially someone who's never cried in their lifetimes.

"I…Do you remember when my…dad left us?"

Craig was shaking uncontrollably and his words came out jumbled and stuttered. A few stray drops flew to the floor. His dad had divorced his mom a couple of years back, just after 5th grade.

"Yes."

"The week before. He hit me, and told me I was good for nothing and useless. And then he raped me, Kyle. He fucking raped me. He…beat mom, and Ruby. They were put into hospital for a year. It was all my fault! I CAUSED THEIR PAIN!"

He was standing up now, and his bony fingers were protruding into his chest so hard, that some blood trickled down his hand.

How the fuck did he keep this a secret? His family were put into hospital? This was way too big for it not to spread around town within at least a couple of weeks.

"Craig, that's huge. And it was definitely not your fault."

"Yes, it was. I put my mom and sister into the hospital. I caused all this pain, because I really am good for nothing. I had to ask poor Tweek to let me bunk for the year. I feel so bad for this, I am the one who did this."

"No. Never say that again. It was not your fault. It was that man who dared call himself your father up until that point. That must have been very traumatic. Listen to me! You kept it a secret, held your family together after that. You put on a brave face at school so you wouldn't burden your friends. I see that in you. You have no idea how brave you are, Craig."

"Maybe, but that's not the point."

"And best of all, is when I see you and Tweek together. He is so much happier and safer when you're around. He talks to me too, you know. He tells me that ever since you've started being friends with him, his ADHD has gone down, and he's even started holding back on the coffee. Don't you see? Craig, you are not some useless creature who doesn't mean anything to anyone. You mean something to all of us. You mean…you mean something…something…to me."

I then realized that I wasn't looking at Craig anymore, I was staring into the palms of my hands.

"You're not a failure. You're not useless. I…I know your last name, and your birthday. Don't you know that I care? Don't you know that I love you?"

I felt a hand on my shoulder.

"I think you're getting tired, Ky. I don't think we're talking about me anymore."

I looked at him. His eyes were bloodshot from the tears, and his cheeks were raw red. His mouth had turned down into a full-frown and his dark hair was wet and soggy. He had sobered up just for the sake of being the brave one. This is what I meant by his uncanny ability to ignore whatever pain he's in. I think someday, Tweek will be a lucky man.

"Tomorrow, you just ignore our conversation. If you think Tweek hates you, you're wrong. Personally, I think that you should just confess your feelings. I know its hard, but trust me; it'll be worth it."

(A/N the sad thing is this doesn't happen in real life, so just stick with me ok?)

And with that, he was out of the window in record time. Good old Craig.

I looked at my watch; 12:46, and decided that I would set of to Kenny's house in two hours.

**KENNY'S POV**

"Ok, I think that's enough for History for now. Stan, we've been at this for over three hours, I think that you should get some rest. Should we pack it up for today?"

"Yeah, man. I'm whacked. And as much as I'd hate to admit it, you actually managed to help me a lot today. Thanks, bro."

"No problem, dude. Mates, huh?"

I looked at the dark-haired teen. He was a good couple of inches shorter than me, yet with all the sports he played, quite a bit more thick and muscly.

"Hey, dude. I'm really sorry for yesterday night. I feel so bad for ditching you guys, especially Kyle because I never ditch on movie night."

See, I knew he wasn't such a bad guy. He at least feels bad, and I mean, if you ditch Kyle then he'll understand, but if you ditch Wendy then she will murder on sight.

We shouldered our bags and headed to the exit.

"Listen man, I just wanted to tell you something."

I made a move to open the door.

"I, ugh, I wanted to ask Kyle out."

The shock came to me as if a cold blast of air had smacked me in the face. After taking a moment, I realized that I had opened the door, and the cold air had ACTUALLY smacked me in the face.

"You ok, Ken?"

"Y-yeah. Sorry, I'm just really shocked. I never would have thought that you were into Kyle like that."

"Well, yeah. Are you ok with this, dude?"

"Of course I am. All homophobes are gutless virgin prudes."

"See, I knew you'd understand. I figured since you're bi and all…"

Up until that point, my mind had been shut off, countering with my usual responses. Yet at the word 'bi', my blood began to boil. Was it fair that everyone relied on me for the whorish and shallow things? But then I realized that Stan was right. I'm generally not useful at all, so why not help where I'm actually good at something. At least that won't make me such a miserable failure, right?

"Yeah, you're right. Ky's awesome, you two would be great together, best friends and all that jazz, I guess."

The least I could do was be happy for Kyle. Even if Stan doesn't deserve him…Wait, I shouldn't be thinking that! Stan would be way better in a relationship than me, right? Ky deserves way better than me, right?

"Really? You think so? I mean, I've been wanting to ask him for a while now, but I've never had the guts."

"Well, I could help…if you want me to."

Stop Kenny! What are you doing? What am I putting myself up for? I know that I always want to help people, but this? This would be my own suicide. I don't mind Kyle loving someone else, because I know that deep inside, it's better that way. But even if I push myself to keep it real, I know that I'll never survive.

"Uhh, You know what? I think I might just lay low for a while. Maybe Kyle doesn't even roll that way, you know? Wait, do you know?"

"Oh, wait, that? Do I know if Kyle's gay? No, I'm sorry, I don't."

For the first time in a long time, I lied. I actually lied. What was I turning into? Some kind of miserable monster? There was no way that I should ever be in a relationship.

I know that now. In fact, I think that Stan read my mind at that moment, because as we walked through the icy wind, I saw his lip curve up into a sly smile.

I wonder what else he knows…

* * *

><p><strong>REVIEWSSS (I love them, so please review :D)<strong>

**Yoshinator:** You are so awesome! But it would be nice if you wrote a little more (wow am i a horrible person)

**xIcedRainbowsx: **Really? How different? I generally like to write Kenny as being protective rather than a whore, because it makes me feel all fizzy inside. Also I write him as myself, so I try to be real? If thats what you mean... Thanks for reviewring!

**Flippy Girl: **I'm a bit confused...First of all, I'm by no means a freak or an emo. I dont object to you being one, im just not one myself. Also, I was implying that i was gay or bi... So Im very confused by your review...sorry, but thanks for reviewing anyway, and good luck!


	5. Chapter 5

**[A/N] AW SHITE. I did it. You guys can shoot me. I know it's short, but I shall start (probably, maybe, hopefully) writing regularly again. I hope none of you have stopped reading D: Anyways, I hope you enjoy, and also, hopefully my writing style is better. (:  
>I'll do reviews now, so it doesn't disturb the storyline;<strong>

**XMistressChaosX: **I think I've already talked to you, but thanks again for reviewing! You are a very nice person! Have a unicorn~

**EvilCannibalPanda: **I'm so incredibly sorry that you had to wait so long! I know, I'm a lazy crappy author D: I hope this makes it up for you**  
><strong>

**ChocolateMilkLOL: **It is done. (:**  
><strong>

**icedrainbows: **Thanks! I always enjoy reading your reviews, you wonderful sugary rainbow**  
><strong>

**MW2girl: **Yeah, sorry again for not updating in like two years ):**  
><strong>

**Maegz: **Yes thank you very much for reviewing. To be honest, I'm not as great as my God (Kenny) XD He's too awesome.**  
><strong>

**Sweet Like Poison: **You are quite right my friend. Unfortunately, it's a bit too late for me to update sooner ):

**someone: **Wow thanks! Hope you haven't been converted back in these past two years.**  
><strong>

**teenbooks4eva: **PRUSSIA FOREVER BIYOTCHES. This day shall now be Prussia day.

**Dawn: Haha, yes. **Unfortunately I was a little worried about those points of yours... I shall probably include Eric sometime soon, and Kenny shall become emo. Huzzah.**  
><strong>

* * *

><p><strong>KYLE'S POV<strong>

It's actually been a while since the four of us have been close. And by that, I don't mean that we got along. I mean, I can't actually remember a time when my life wasn't inhabited by secrets or lies. And I certainly don't like the fact that I have to actually figure out what's going inside Stan or Kenny's head.

When we were kids, our biggest problem was how we would entertain ourselves. I remember how we blew up at each other for coming up with stupid ideas. Well, it's not like that anymore. Let me give you a recap of my life so far;

1. I am completely sure that I am 100% gay. Easy enough, right?

2. I harbour strong feelings for a certain guy called Kenny.

3. Kenny seems to be avoiding me now, and my other best friend Stan isn't talking to me anymore.

4. My life literally sucks.

Wondering what happened in the past few weeks? Well that's right, nothing. And nothing is the worst of all. I had made it a routine to sneak out at midnight to read Kenny's diary, but nothing except pain came of it. I kept reading about the same horrible thoughts and happenings going on in his life, and every night I would return home in a mood of despair.

And it was only until a week of this routine that things started going downhill.

"Kenny! Hey Kenny!" I shouted down the hall. "Wait up!"

He didn't seem to hear me, so I took the pleasure of tackling him from behind. To be honest, I just did that so I could smell him for a moment or two. I know, creepy. But as soon as I jumped on him, he stiffened up. Was it me?

"Kenny? You ok?" I asked him. I had decided to act completely normal for now, because I had no clue what to do. Maybe I would make him feel loved, and then he would feel better.

"Yes. I'm fine." My mind flipped in shock. The words were said so coldly, so emotionlessly. This did not sound like Kenny at all. What had happened to him?

"O-ok then. Um, do you want to do something after school today? I heard a new Shakey's opened really close to here, so do you wanna go?" I tried to make myself not sound too hopeful, but I think I failed miserably. He probably noticed, he probably thinks I'm some sort of creep.

"I can't. I'm busy." And that was it. Without skipping a beat, he quickly walked off.

I reeled. Why was he acting like this? I'm sure I'd done something to upset him. Maybe he hates me now. What do I do?

Well, I guess I should start with going to lunch, like it was time to do. But where would I sit? This had never bothered me before; we would all just sit together, even if two people were fighting. _Especially _if two people were fighting. This thought was just… odd.

I chose to sit with Craig's gang today; they don't really mind me, it's just the others they don't like. I think Craig's pretty close with Kenny though… Out of the corner of my eye I could see him sitting at the end of the cafeteria, alone, poking at a bowl of non-existent food. I wished I could have just walked up to him, and presented him with an entire buffet of food. Just to see him smile. I sighed deeply, I'm such a girl!

"-yle, Kyle! You there buddy?" I zoned back in. Dammit, I was staring at Kenny again. I tried to hide my blush, but I could see Craig winking secretly. Dammit, dammit, dammit! Well, I guess I could see how Craig and Tweek were doing on their developments.

It seemed better; Craig was smirking. Sincerely, which was good. Tweek was being himself like usual, but then again, it would be worse if he wasn't twitchy. They seemed fine. Token and Clyde were in a deep conversation about something or other. I think it was about Clyde's new girlfriend. Craig and Tweek were silent, as usual. We chatted idly, but I wasn't interested. I could barely keep up, as my mind was so preoccupied.

* * *

><p>As I was packing my bag to home, I suddenly felt the reality hit me. Kenny didn't like me anymore. It was so obvious, I mean, if I didn't like someone anymore, I would do the same; ignore them. This wasn't just my imagination, this was real life. The person I loved now hated me. I don't know where I went wrong, but this has finally happened.<p>

My hands automatically flew to fiddle with my shirt buttons. It was just a nervous tick of mine; I usually put my hands in my pockets, but my clothes today didn't have pockets. So buttons it was. It didn't help that the person who caused this walked into the room at that very moment.

"O-oh hey Kenny." I nervously said to him. I attempted a smile, but it came out small and invisible.

He nodded in affirmation and continued doing what he was doing before. Suddenly, I felt incredibly dizzy. I don't know why, but the room was spinning. I tripped over my own feet and prepared to feel the blow of the floor.

Then warm hands on my back, and the light was blocked out by dirty blonde hair. And I looked into those beautiful blue eyes. However much I wanted to, I couldn't stop the red from seeping into my entire face.

But that wasn't what had interested me. No, it was the look of utter concern on Kenny's face. It wasn't cold, or emotionless. He was worried about me. He was _worried _about me.

This satisfaction left me mesmerised. I could see Kenny frantically saying something, but I couldn't hear it. And soon, with a deep sigh, I closed my eyes, and feel into a heavenly rest.

**KENNY'S POV**

"Kyle! Kyle, are you ok? Kyle, get up! Wake up, _wake up_!" As much as I yelled at him, he gave me with no response. "Shit!" I exclaimed, slamming the floor with my palm in frustration. Why had this suddenly happened? After all of my _fucking_ attempts at ignoring Kyle, this had to just happen.

I looked at said boy, who had a content look on his face, despite having just fainted. Now what do I do? This was not helping me get over him at all. After Stan's little fiasco at the library I had decided that the only way that I could continue living was if I could get over Kyle. So that's what I'd done.

I hoped that if I got Kyle to hate me, it would be easier for me to come to terms with the fact that he would never go out with me. So far… it hadn't been working so well. And this entire thing wit Kyle fainting was not helping.

'_What the fuck do I do now?_' I thought to myself. I didn't think that this was so serious for the hospital, but I couldn't just pretend that nothing had happened. So… what? If I brought him back home, his mom would freak out! She wouldn't let him out the house for weeks. I can't do that either… I guess I'll just bring him to the hospital then, better safe than sorry.

I hoisted him into my arms, and set off. I know I'm not that strong, but Kyle was skinny, so I managed ok. But by the time I finished my 15-minute trek to the hospital, I was about ready to faint, myself. The secretary gave me a suspicious glance, but directed me to the A and E waiting room.

So now, I would just have to wait with this unconscious boy in the waiting room? That was just weird. And what the hell was wrong with Kyle? Why did he just suddenly drop cold?

The doctor soon called us in, and by us, I mean me. I had to once again lug Kyle into the room. And even after all of that, they couldn't figure out what was wrong with him. They told me that they were going to keep him overnight, and the worst part; I would have to stay with him until his family could get there.

I know what you're thinking. I'm a cold, emotionless bastard. I don't care about Kyle. Well, you're wrong. Sitting here beside him is literally killing me on the inside. How can I watch the one I love all attached to strange machines? But, nonetheless, I had to remain strong, and get over it. That was all I could do.

I nodded off into a light doze, and dreamed of little fish swimming in a huge, huge pond. The water was clear and green; blue green. The fish were getting smaller and smaller, and the pond was also getting smaller. And now there were two ponds. Two ponds of beautiful green and clear water. Two blinking pools of light, reflecting its beautiful reflections. I could hear them whispering over and over. Maybe I didn't hear them right, but in my dream-like state, I could swear they were whispering "_I love you, Kenny"_ the pools told me. The many voices merged into one, and I more visibly heard,

"Ken… Kenny?" This sounded more real, but I couldn't see anything but green, going on forever.

"Kenny, talk to me." I stared back at the pools. Something… wasn't quite right. They didn't feel like pools anymore. They felt almost like….

"Kenny! Are you ok? Wake up!" They felt like _eyes_.

I jumped from my seat, startled.

"Oh thank God, Kenny. For a second I thought you were dead!" I looked at the source of the voice, and immediately cringed. The red head was now awake, and was beholding such a look of complete and utter fright, that I could feel the redness spreading through my cheeks.

"K-kyle?"

"Man, you've been staring at me since I woke up. What's up with you, dude?" This did not help at all. I couldn't have been more embarrassed.

"Nothing. Nothing, I'm fine. Are _you_ ok?" I tried to calm myself down, and it was slowly working. I could see a flicker of disappointment flicker across Kyle's face. It was for the best, I told myself.

"Yeah… But I have no clue what I'm doing here… care to explain?" His question pulled me back to the present. This was enough to bring my face back to the empty shell it was before. I explained to him what had happened, and not too long after, his parents burst into the room, demanding to know why they hadn't been contacted sooner.

I took this as an opportunity to slink out of the hospital room, and make my way back home. But I had this feeling that I just couldn't shake. It was about my dream earlier. The way that the two 'pools' kept whispering,

…_I love you Kenny…_


	6. Chapter 6

**[A/N] Hey guys. It's the holiday. And I suck. SO badly. I hope this makes up for it though! I sort of lost track of this story, but I'm back and better than ever! Ok enough of the cheesy movie lines, and more of the story! I hope you enjoy!**

**PS: I don't own South Park or anything... if you were wondering ):  
><strong>

* * *

><p><strong>KYLE'S POV<strong>

I sat on the bed being bombarded with question after question concerning my previous fall. My ears were ringing with my mother's shrill voice, but I wasn't taking any of it in. I could only feel the terrible longing for the blonde boy who had just disappeared. The way he had been looking at me; I could see it, he wanted to stay with me! I just couldn't admit to myself anything else. Why did I have such a deep ache in my chest? I just wish my parents would quit bothering me!

"Kyle! Are you even listening to me young man?" My mother tutted at me with her hands on her hips. She didn't seem the slightest bit concerned for my health. I decided to go for the easy option, and attempted to persuade them that I was too tired for anything. Finally satisfied, they bade me farewell, and left for home again. I had had to tell them this through gritted teeth; because really, I was full of energy. So full of energy that I could have ran a marathon! Only because I had finally said it. I told Kenny that I loved him. Ok, so maybe it wasn't to a conscious Kenny, but it was difficult nonetheless! Don't chastise me!

To my dismay, the doctors were keeping me overnight, and I could only return to school by lunchtime the next day. I felt so confined. How could I possibly do anything from here?

"Can I… can I come in?" I started in surprise, and looked to the door, only to my surprise to see Stan there. His voice, usually filled with lazy familiarity, was tense and rigid. Suddenly, I felt bad for him. I couldn't have imagined what it would be like to be in his position. I beckoned for him to come in, and he came straight to my bedside. Stan hated hospitals.

"Listen man, I just wanted to apologize for the way I've been acting this past week… It wasn't ri-"

"No Stan. It was my fault. Full stop." I cut him off, but I couldn't say these words with any emotion. It was like I didn't mean them at all. They were the echoes of the emptiness I felt. Stan's mouth fell open in an 'o' shape; of course he didn't understand, I was his best friend after all. Why was I suddenly acting like this?

"It's time for me to confess to you, Stan. I should have said this a long time ago, and there is no point to lie to you any longer. I love Kenny. I'm _in love_ with him. And whatever you say, I can't do anything about it."

Why the _**hell **_did I just decide to tell him that? Crap, these meds were not doing good things to my brain. Well, I guess I said it, so there's nothing I can do about it now. I could feel this energy giving me much needed confidence. Apparently though, I wouldn't have needed it anyway.

Stan looked down and fiddled his fingers. He let out a long deep sigh.

"I know. Actually. It's so obvious even I know. If I were _Clyde_, I would know. I've just sort of needed to wrap my head around the idea, and it's not been easy, you know?"

After he said this, there was a peaceful silence; one that was neither awkward nor comfortable. It gave me some time to think about his words, but all I could think about was, _'How lame must I look to everyone?!' _

"I…" he continued falteringly, "…why Kenny? Of all people, why go for the most messed up one?"

I know he said this with absolute honesty and neutrality, but I felt such rage at the fact that he could speak about such a close friend like this. I felt offended that he would even think about this sort of thing, and question my tastes. I knew I shouldn't have been angry, but a bad mood just does this to humans, and I could do nothing but glare at Stan. He got the hint, and made hasty exit, muttering something about Wendy, or was it tacos?

I lay awake, thinking, the energy prohibiting me from the dutiful bonds of sleep. The huge, dull emptiness in my chest longed for a body beside me. I wanted to have him here, not as anything, not labelled, I just wanted him. I wanted him to lie in my arms, so I could stroke his strangely soft hair, and feel his beautiful skin. I'd seen it torn and ragged with scars, but it was his skin, and so it was perfect. I left behind all my worries, and imagined a world without responsibility. I imagined myself lying with him like this every night. This clouded and warm image took me away from the cold and harsh reality and helped me to drift into the land of beautiful dreams.

I saw a lake; pure and calm. Not a single ripple was disturbing the beautiful clear surface. Suddenly, a huge sound rang in my ears. What was this? Smoke made me dizzy? What was happening? I ran, but I didn't move anywhere. The world was still. I could see in front of me, the school was burning down! It was sickly melting into the flames, and there was nothing I could do about it. The screams of my friends were fading in and out of my head. I heard a noise behind me and spun around. There was Kenny, in the lake, laughing. He wasn't laughing. He was drowning. I tried to move towards him, but once again found that I was unable to move. I couldn't save him! I couldn't save anyone! I was useless! Useless!

_Useless…_

I started awake, in my bed. Something was wrong. My head was still ringing, and frankly, I didn't know you could get headaches from dreaming. Nonetheless, I remembered that I would be free to go today, and I didn't want to miss any school. I sighed, and remembered my dad lecturing me about the importance of a perfect grade average. It was still rather early, I asked the nurses to help me out so they would be here soon.

I pondered about my strange nightmare. I hadn't had any nightmares since I was a child. But this one seemed… bizarre. It was the like fate was telling me to give up. I didn't know what to do anymore! Clapping my hands over my ears, I tried to calm down, but to no avail. I wailed to myself, just in the sheer despair of not knowing. Eventually, the nurses came and they calmed me down, but I was still stuck in a foul mood.

The grey cloud followed me to school, and I could feel people keeping clear of me. Not like they wanted to talk to me anyway. I met Stan at the lockers, and in a split second, I decided that I hated this tension. The solution was simply to act like it had never happened.

"Hey Stan," I said with a forced smile, "I'm not feeling so great still, so you'd better not go tackling me or anything."

Obviously, Stan felt this new atmosphere, and responded by happily giving me a noogie, "Why of course not, 'your majesty'." He laughed and suddenly, I felt a knot in my chest unwind, if only a small one. Although was still concerned, because I still had yet to see Kenny today, and until then I would keep that nagging worry at the back of my mind.

Stan and I walked to homeroom together, like we used to, when there was never any of this drama going on. I felt as if it were some happy ending to a cheesy movie about finding a lost friendship. I wasn't satisfied. _'If this were the end to a movie, then why is there still a big aching hole where my happiness should be?'_

Suddenly, I realized. I was angry. I was terribly and painfully angry. I was angry with Stan, because he had treated me horribly when I needed him. I was angry with myself because I was too cowardly, and too useless to do anything with myself. I was angry with Kenny! I was _so,_ incredibly angry with Kenny! But for the love of God, I couldn't figure out why. I felt this huge passionate energy that roared for me, as soon as he came within sight, so punch the living daylights out of him. But I don't even fucking know why!

Mostly, I was angry because fate had turned out like this. Maybe it was destined to be like this. Maybe I'm supposed to get over Kenny or something. He doesn't need a feeble redhead. I'll find a nice little wife someday, and we'll live in a big house in the city, and I'll make lots of money as a lawyer, and she'll follow her own dreams... It'll work out great; as soon as I get over Kenny it will all be great. However much I said this to myself, I just couldn't stop the feeling of ultimate self-pity flood into me. Maybe…

At this last maybe, I thought to myself. I've been so worried about Kenny and my own future that I had never stopped to think about the present. The time was now, and the present can't come until we do something about the present. I've been thinking too much; it was time for me to do something! But what?

The first step is for me to actually talk to Kenny. Nothing can happen until then. I should take the advice I gave to Craig and tell Kenny how I feel! Yes! This sounded like a good plan in my head. I could just imagine it now! I saw myself, telling Kenny, going incredibly red. He laughs at how red I am. Then he confesses to me too, and goes the same shade I was a second ago. We both laugh. And then we kiss. Since I can't feel it, I can only imagine how brilliant it would be. However, I can't imagine the time, or the place. I can only imagine the process, and it doesn't seem to come to my mind how I will actually go about doing this. At least it was a start.

Having decided this, I sat down in my chair. Due to this new determined feeling I had, I turned to my left, out of old habit, to see whether Kenny was in school today. He wasn't there, and although I wouldn't admit it to myself, I was disappointed. I heard Mr Garrison stroll into the class, late as usual.

"Good morning everyone," he drawled, obviously bored, "today is another, meaningless day. I hope you all starve to death. Now for the morning announcements."

He yawned while shuffling through his papers. Suddenly, his eyes widened. He leapt out of his chair and yelped happily. It was strange to see Mr Garrison anything but hell-bent, so I did a little double take as he turned to the class with an ear-to-ear grin on his face. He proceeded to realize how much of a fool he looked like, and coughed subtly, and sat back down.

"It seems, children, that our class has surpassed all other classes this year, by grade standards. With the addition of another perfect grade average student," here Mr Garrison stopped, and stared at the paper, "Kenny McCormick, you have won the annual contest, " He continued the notice a little more pallid than when he started, and by then, the whole class had turned to look at the empty chair, where Kenny usually sat. However, Mr Garrison was not concerned over his student's tardiness. He finished the notice, "and you will be receiving your cash prize shortly, " with a beaming smile on his face.

"Wherever that motherfucker is, I was always glad he was in my class." Mr Garrison happily lied to everyone.

So, Kenny had taken my advice and lived up to his true potential. I always knew he was capable. I just wish he were here, so he could be happy that his achievements were worth something, unlike he believed them to be. Monotonously, I waited until the rest of my class had left, and headed off to Calculus, my favourite class; at least I could forget about my worries and float away in the sea of maths…

If only.

A huge shadow loomed over me. I was alone in the corridor. I turned around, just in time to…

**KENNY'S POV**

I sat upright. I was just lying in my bed a second ago, when my stomach dropped suddenly, and I became cold. Then I sneezed, and vaguely wondered if someone was thinking about me, and laughed at myself for actually knowing strange Japanese superstitions. The cold feeling soon passed and I lay back down.

I stared up at my ceiling. It was peeling terribly, and I could see millions of tiny chinks in the cheap plaster. I wouldn't be surprised if it suddenly collapsed on me. No matter, I would come back anyway. I grimaced. That thought was so terrible. If I could commit suicide and just be gone from this world, I would do it without hesitation. But alas, my curse binds me to this damn world.

I reluctantly climbed off the bed and paced the room. The reason why I wasn't at school today is because I overslept, and while running to catch the bus, I was run over. By the bus. Ironic, huh? Anyway, I could vaguely remember the excruciating pain in my legs when they were being crushed by the wheels. However, I felt absolutely nothing in them now. This was a feeling I could never get used to. When I'm simply injured, there's always slight pain in the area afterword, but when I die, it's like I'm wiped clean of the pain. I'm a new white canvas. It's too bad that doesn't last long.

Glancing at my watch, I realized that it was only still the morning. Maybe I could sneak into school at lunch? Just so I can see that beautiful face… No! I couldn't think like that. The urges deep within me were desperately trying to overpower my shallow determination, but I stayed strong. Skipping school was for the better anyway. Letting out a deep sigh, I decided to take a nap, and lay back on the hard mattress. It was a while since I had slept well. I slunk into the shadows of sleep. I found myself in a huge white place. I couldn't see the end of the white. There was a pounding beat that sounded strangely like Token's bass guitar and every time a note was played, the entire place shook, as if they were giant speakers. I looked around. The beats came rhythmically and in time.

In a deep dream, one has no emotions. You are just a spectator in the world of your subconscious. You can't do anything, and nothing can be changed. I could only watch as my dream self started walking confidently forward. I didn't think about it. I didn't wonder why he would do so. It was just a simple steady continuous walk, which led nowhere. I just walked forward, and forward, and forward. My feet hit the ground just as a beat sounded, and this was how it was.

When I finally woke up, I was filled with a strange sense of satisfaction, despite everything that's been going on. I was now able to ponder about why I had been dreaming about such a thing in the first place, but I didn't. I simply left it at that. I changed into some clean clothes. My watch told me it was already 5 PM, and this left me rather content. I had slept for seven long and blissful hours, and I had forgotten all of my problems. I remembered why I used to like parties so much…

A loud knocking sounded through my house. Since it was quite cheap, sound resonated quite thoroughly throughout it. I waited a few seconds, hoping that either of my parents would be responsible enough to leave their drunken stupor and answer the door. However, this did not happen, and the person knocked once more. Reluctantly, I lifted myself out of my warm covers, and trudged through the few rooms my house had to offer.

"Hello? Oh hey Stan," I said as I opened the door. He wore an unreadable expression, but I decided to be friendly. He hadn't done anything wrong, right?

"Hey bud, mind if I come in?" He said, stepping through the threshold. I guess that answered his question. I led him to my room, and he flopped down on my (warm) covers. I pouted jokingly, and he laughed. There wasn't any tension in his voice. Something had happened. I was glad for him.

"Anyway dude, have you seen Kyle around? He kinda' disappeared on me at school. I was wondering if he came to see you," Stan informed me, but I could see that he wasn't that worried. They'd stopped fighting finally. I vaguely wondered if Kyle had come to my house while I was sleeping, but if he had, and no one had answered, he would have climbed through my window.

"Nah man, he didn't come see me. I wonder where he went… So, did I miss anything important?" I glanced at Stan, who was flipping through some magazines he had found on the floor.

"Oh um, Garrison flipped because you won him the annual teacher award thingy. Congrats by the way. I think he's in love with you now."

My heart literally skipped a beat. Really? I had never thought that my grades would achieve anything!

"Um… you ok Kenny? You on Earth or what?" I snapped back to look at the concerned face of my friend. I didn't reply.

"So, anyway. Token's beginning of February party tonight… if you had forgotten. He told me you hadn't got back to him about being able to make it, so I took it upon myself to personally come get you!" Stan happily told me.

"Oh, I don't know man… I was kinda busy…" I lowered my gaze to the dirty carpets. Suddenly, I felt ashamed to have Stan in such an unclean place. I felt a little obligated to have a bit more hospitality towards a person who was supposed to be my best friend.

Stan only laughed at this, and responded cheerily, "None of that bullshit Kenny! You have got to loosen up a bit! You deserve it, man." I smiled a little, and realized that I really was deceiving myself. I didn't have any reason not to go. And wasn't I just reminiscing about my old party habits?

"Why not?" As these words left my mouth, I knew that what awaited me was long missed.

And those two words had decided my fate for the night. This was it.

As Stan and I walked towards the rich part of town, I sorely imagined waking up in a random bathtub in one of Token's many bathrooms, but that didn't bother me.

"Hey Stan." My friend turned to my slightly, a questioning expression on his face. "Is Kyle going to be there?"

"Good question. He was invited, like always, and he was saying something about wanting to come, so he might just be there actually."

This was rather unusual. Kyle loved parties as much as the next guy, but his study habits and obsessive parents left him with some harsh limits. Furthermore, he was a severe lightweight, so when he drank, it was truly a wild night. Kenny couldn't even the last time Kyle was drunk. Maybe tonight would be more fun…

As we approached the huge house, I could already feel the sounding bass of Token's massive speakers. It reminded me of my dream, and the sense of satisfaction I had when I had woken up washed over me again. I was actually looking forward to this. Vaguely I thought about 'Token's beginning-of-February' party. He took anything as an excuse to throw a party; whenever his parents were out of the state or whatever. I was glad there was at least one rich kid we were friends with. Ok, I'm not just friends with him for the money, if that's what you're thinking! I'm just saying, when you're poor like me, friends with money is like an extra benefit… Ok, you can think poorly of me now, if you weren't already…

Anyway, I could feel myself getting nervous at the prospect. I know! Kenny McCormick? Nervous for a party? I guess I was worried about what people would think of me. If I didn't impress, like I so easily could do when I was younger, then would I lose my reputation? Then again, did I really want that kind of reputation? I laughed at the fact that I was worrying over the smallest of my problems.

We entered the huge hall, and I could already feel cold stares in my directions. They had the right. I hadn't been to a party in a long time. While Stan went off to chat with the entire house, I headed straight for the alcohol. Well, what did you expect? Knowing Token's house like a second home, I quickly arrived at the kitchen and grabbed a beer for myself.

"It's only 6 and you're already drinking?" The familiar and monotonous deep voice resonated through my back. "My my, McCormick. You really are the drinker aren't you?"

I turned to find Craig watching me with a slight smirk playing across his lips. I have almost never seen him so happy. His demeanour was… somehow different to the last time I had seen him. I glanced at his hand, and saw that he was holding his own beer.

"Damn straight Craig. You can't have a party without us." I slapped him on the back and we headed to the enormous living room. "By the way, have you seen Kyle around?" Craig shook his head nonchalantly. He didn't care. Out of the corner of my eye I thought I saw Stan and Wendy run upstairs hand in hand. I had long since figured that he wasn't after Kyle. I wasn't quite sure why he had lied to me, but I'm sure he had his reasons; otherwise he wouldn't have lied to me.

I could already see the crowd separating into the usual party groups. My knowledge on the subject was rusty, but I still knew my way around. There was first a huge group in the middle who were simply starting off with nice conversation and banter. These would soon break out the alcohol and start playing truth or dare, or spin the bottle, or whatever. Then there were the gossipers; situated in the edges and corners of the room, they held the crowd in plain sight so they could talk to each other about others while pointing them out. I, personally, had always hated gossipers, so I usually and purposefully interrupted their conversations with the ruse of casual conversation. Then there were the couples. They usually started out apart from each other, but it was obvious whom they were; just a simple smile one way, a blown kiss. I could only imagine what they get up to after a few shots. Finally, I could just see a few people slinking outside to start their acidic adventures. The usual suspects, Bebe, Clyde, Tweek. You would never think they were into getting high, but it's not that surprising. As soon as Craig spotted them, he hurried to join them, masking the excitement on his face with his mouth in a straight line. I could see through it, I knew him too well.

I decided to join the big group in the middle, where Clyde was busy telling everyone about his latest adventures in detention. I stepped in beside Red; I had always liked her. She had never judged me, to my face at least.

"Hey Red, looking nice tonight." I gave her a smile. It sure was nice to mingle again.

"Thanks! Same for you of course." She said, even though I was still wearing the clothes I had thrown on after my long nap.

"Say, you haven't seen Kyle around here, have you?" I couldn't hide the hopefulness in my voice, but she looked at me pitifully and shook her head.

"Sorry Ken, he's probably studying. His parents are monsters when it comes to school work, huh?" Her attempt at making me feel better didn't work at all. So he wasn't going to come after all…

"Kinny! My man! I didn't know you were coming tonight!" A rough hand slapped my back; right on an old bruise, and I winced at the foul voice.

"Cartman," I said with failing enthusiasm. He didn't notice and grinned maliciously like he always does. He turned to the rest of the circle and told everyone, seemingly warm-heartedly, "You guys should be glad Kinny decided to show today. Otherwise he would be at all of your houses, fucking your moms! Hahaha!" He roared with laughter, but I was ashamed. If this were maybe two years ago, I would have laughed with him, but I could see it now. I was a disgusting, foul creature. Of course what Cartman said wasn't true, but his implements were right. I was a tragic excuse for a human.

"Kenny? Snap out of it, honey." Red patted me on the back, and I realized that I had been spacing out again.

"Yeah, sorry…" I turned to look at Cartman again, who was happily conversing as if he'd done nothing wrong. "Yo! Have _you_ seen Kyle anywhere? He came to school today, right?"

He turned to look at me, and for a split second, a terrifyingly cold shadow flitted across his face, but then he was once again, the grinning monster that he always was. "Oh naw, Kinny's worried? Jewfag came to school today, but he's not here. Pfft! More fun without him anyway!"

That was it. Kyle wasn't coming. My heart dropped like a broken lift, hurtling towards the ground. For a second, my world went black. But then I remembered why I was here again.

'_I'm going to get drunk, and forget everything!'_ I thought. And that was all it took.

….

"Maaaaaan, Craig. When did ya get here?" I swirled my beer around, questioning the raven haired boy.

"I dunno. I sort of just… appeared, if ya know what I mean," We both looked at each other and burst out laughing.

Suddenly, Bebe stood up, wobbling slightly. When did _Bebe _get here? Why was everyone suddenly just _appearing_?

"Oh My God Craig. I figured it out!" I lent over to whisper in his ear, but it came out much louder than I had intended, "We're at Hogwarts!" As I said this, Craig couldn't suppress his laughter and completely interrupted whatever Bebe had started to say. She looked rather irked.

"You twoooo! Shh! So anywayyy, as I was saying, now is time to play a game." Strangely, her sweet voice had melted into a stiff British accent. She emphasized every word and rounded them with her mouth. No one said anything. I noticed that we were all actually sitting in a neat circle. When the hell did that happen? We were all just chatting in various places… when… Stan! Stan was here! Why was everyone here at once? I couldn't think anymore so I just flopped on my back. I could still hear Bebe's new British voice, explaining how to play, although I don't understand why. Everyone had played this game a million times. I sighed and sat up again. Glasses full of beer were being passed around. We were playing 'Never have I ever'.

"Sooo, you take a sip every time you've done something! It's easy peasy!" Bebe chirped happily, and I vaguely remembered that she had been taking drugs earlier. Suddenly, I felt cold and feared for safety. Then again, she may have skipped on the drugs in the first place.

'_Ahhh, never mind!'_ I thought, I'd just go with the flow.

Bebe was apparently starting. "Never have I ever… cross-dressed!" We all turned to stare at Stan, who had gone even redder than he was before. He sputtered and shouted back, "Don't be mean! It wasn't my choice!" He sobbed a little into his shirt before taking a sip. I remembered the time Wendy had made him cross dress… I quickly glimpsed an embarrassed Tweek taking a silent sip. Probably Craig's doing.

The game quickly continued with all sorts of embarrassing stories being retold to the circle. Surprisingly, I didn't take too many sips. Usually I could down the entire glass, but people were not asking the right questions… This made me feel a little better. Controversially, Craig was actually losing, and although he didn't seem to mind now, I knew that when he was sober, all of these stories would come back to haunt him… I felt bad for anyone who tried to spread rumours about him...

"Never have I ever stripped to be naked at a party!" someone said. I couldn't help but laugh as I lifted my glass to take a sip, but everyone was laughing with me, and I was filled with content. I felt so joyous, so open! Craig had already fallen asleep beside me.

"Never have I ever been in love with someone of the same gender!" Finally! Someone had asked this question, and I felt the need to admit openly of my feelings. And surely there were others besides me to feel the same. Yet, it was not like this at all. I had finished drinking, and with a loud sigh, I plopped my glass down on the floor. The room, however, had gone abnormally silent. Everyone was staring at me. The smile vanished from my lips. How can it go from booming in volume to silent in just a millisecond? The silence itself was villainous. I felt crushed underneath its huge weight.

I could barely hear someone whisper, "Kenny McCormick is capable of _love_?" I had never felt so embarrassed. Not embarrassed like Stan was when his secret story was revealed. I was red in the face, and down right _humiliated_. There was no way out. I had just revealed it to everyone. I suddenly realized that there was something in my head. It was a pounding bass. The rhythmical beats that had calmed me so much before were now beating me down with every sound. I stood up, way too fast for an inebriated teenager. I felt dizzy. I felt _so_ dizzy. I had to get out somehow. I ran in any direction, and soon found myself heading towards the garden. I ran and ran, and suddenly, my head was in contact with the glass door! The pounding got louder, the dizziness got stronger, and I grabbed my head in agony. Each time I blinked, the world got blurrier. Suddenly, all I could see was red. Red and nothing else! Why couldn't I see? I fell harshly to the ground.

Time stopped. I looked up only to realize the red had become soft cushions of billowing hair. I reached out to feel the hair, but my arms were simply too short. I kept reaching forward, but the hair was just getting farther, and farther away…


End file.
